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PROTECTIVE PARENTS OF CHILDREN WHO HAVE
BEEN SEXUALLY
ABUSED
Practical Advice to Help You Through
the Legal System
About the Author:
Claire R. Reeves, C.C.D.C., is the president and founder of MOTHERS AGAINST
SEXUAL ABUSE, MASA, a non-profit national organization. Founded in March, l992
MASA has received thousands of calls from across the United States from parents,
mostly mothers, of children who have been sexually abused. Most of these cases
are incest cases, the accused perpetrator being the other parent or a family
member. The following information is taken from case files and the intent is
to try and level the playing field for families caught up in this tragedy by
arming them with knowledge and the reality of bias in our adversarial family
court system.
These innocent parents are not received well in our family courts. The non-offending
mother is accused of being vindictive, hysterical and crazy. Most of the children
are deemed too young to testify. Even with testimony from the professionals
involved in these cases, there is great reluctance to believe the abuse happened.
Many of these professionals are also discounted and discredited. Over 70% of
the time there is no physical evidence of abuse so we have the child’s disclosure
and the word of the parent who dares to believe and try and protect the child.
Signs and behavioral symptoms of the child are given little credence. Unlike
any other ailment such as appendicitis, etc., the physical and behavioral signs
would be recognized. Not so with sexual abuse. For example: recurring vaginal
infections must have been caused by too many bubble baths. Falling off a tricycle
must have caused a broken hymen. Labial adhesions must be birth defects. The
list goes on; any excuse will suffice rather than address the incest issue.
This pattern of minimization and denial by the family courts is seen across
the nation. It is not endemic to any one part of the country or to any specific
State.
Child sexual abuse is the greatest hidden epidemic in this country. Denial
and ignorance are two of the major reasons that we are not seeing significant
progress in protecting our children. A Department of Justice report recently
stated that one out of three girls and one out of four boys will be sexually
violated one or more times before they reach the age of eighteen. Someone the
child knows and trusts will commit over 85% of these offenses. If a disease
affected our children in these enormous numbers we would declare a national
emergency. Monies would be made available for research to find a cure. Sadly,
little is being done. Instead parents and advocates for the children are put
in an adversarial position with social service agencies, the courts, guardian
ad litems, evaluators, and others whose commitment and responsibility should
be to protect the child.
Many of these cases are discounted as custody cases and very little investigations
takes place. There is a fallacy that parents, mostly mothers, who are going
through a separation
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or a divorce, are making up these allegations to gain an advantage in the custody
case.
The truth of this matter is that even mentioning child sexual abuse can be
the greatest
detriment to retaining custody. In over 5,000 cases presented to me over the
years, the most common response from the mothers was that even they did not
believe the child’s allegations at first. No matter how acrimonious the separation
and divorce may be, the mothers just did not want to believe that someone they
loved and trusted could commit this heinous violation of his/her own child.
The accusations were met with denial by the accused and the accusation was turned
around to blame the mother for coaching the child to lie. There is a terrible
lack of common sense in the handling of these cases. What mother would want
the whole burden of child rearing? What mother would not want a break to enjoy
the luxury of a little personal time? Why would a mother put herself through
the court system, spend tens of thousands of dollars, experience incredible
stress, if she did not feel that the child was telling the truth. In many of
these cases the custody was already settled to the agreement of both parties.
It is not uncommon when a child feels secure with the non-offending parent,
and is removed from the abusive situation, that the child will then disclose
the abuse. It doesn’t matter that the custody has already been decided; these
cases are still portrayed as custody cases and not child abuse cases. There
is still little or no investigation and the non-offending mother is left with
the enormous task of knowing how to protect the child.
THE SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCIES
Social Service Agencies across the country
are coming under fire for their failure to protect children from abuse, and
worse, ongoing abuse when they are notified that a child is in danger.
That situation is never so true than when it comes to allegations of sexual
abuse. This article does not brand all of the wonderful professionals, many
of whom are colleagues of mine, who work for one of the social service agencies.
However, something terrible is happening. Most of the cases that I have worked
on personally have all begun the downward spiral with the first investigation
by the social worker. (As an aside, it is noteworthy that any other crime where
the adult is the victim, such a crime would never be investigated by a social
worker).
Back to the custody case: Thousands of mothers have told me that as soon as
the social worker learns that there is a separation or divorce in the process
the immediate response is not child abuse, but the proverbial custody case.
The interviews with the children are minimal, if any. The real target is the
reporter, in most cases the mother. Due to the lack of evidence it is difficult
to sort all of this out. However, when a social worker comes to the home, does
not interview the child, for various reasons does not like the reporting parent,
it is indeed a recipe for disaster. The unsuspecting parents are caught in
a catch 22 situation. If the accused is out of the home the social worker often
deems the child safe and no follow-up is required. If, however, and simultaneously,
unsupervised
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visitation is court ordered and the child is molested again, the non-offending
parent may
be charged with a spurious charge of “Failure to Protect”. If the non-offending
parent does not send the child to the court-ordered visitation, the parent will
be held in
Contempt of Court and risks losing custody altogether. While all of this activity
is happening the social worker’s reports states the claims are unfounded and
unsubstantiated. The courts can only make decisions on the information that
is presented to them. Without an efficient investigation as to the allegations
of sexual abuse it becomes a he says – she says situation. The tragedy is the
innocent child caught in the middle of incompetence, lack of education, and
lethargy. With these very complex cases there must be some kind of checks and
balances in place. Proper investigative training should be mandatory. The
best-case scenario is for a multi-disciplinary task force to do the investigation.
It is unconscionable that many of these children are forced to tell their story
over and over again. That is if the child will tell their story at all to a
stranger. In many situations a female child who is the victim of abuse by a
male, is asked to tell her story to a male social worker. Expecting the child
to trust a man who is a stranger is unreasonable. So many of these children
are scared silent by their perpetrators. There just must be a kinder and more
humane way to protect the children.
When the Social Service Agencies Fail:
Horror stories have been reported all across the country exposing the failure
of these agencies to protect children. Children have been beaten to death,
starved, and all variations of atrocities. This, after the agencies have been
alerted to prior abuse and their lack of follow-up exposed. On the opposite
side of that coin are parents who have been subjected to Gestapo like abuses
of power. Recently I testified before a Legislative Committee with regard to
the Department of Social Services failure to protect children. One case stands
out as poignant. The mother testified that her child entered the system after
she had secured an outside institution to help her troubled son. When the institution
did not prove to be helpful, the mother removed her child. The institution
reported the removal to Department of Social Services, who in turn, removed
the child from the mother. After 13 placements in foster care over 11 months,
the mother was able to regain custody. The mother had never been accused of
any kind of abuse of her son. Department of Social Services contacted the mother
after the 13th placement to inform the mother that she must have
her son tested for the HIV virus that causes AIDS. The mother was not informed
that the father in the 13th foster home had full-blown AIDS. While
the foster home situation may be a completely different issue from custody and
child sexual abuse issues, it validates an agency out of control as to the children
they are mandated to protect.
The abuses of power and incompetence are reported in almost every case that
I have personally seen over the years. When errors in judgment are exposed
there is no accountability for these agencies. Immunity protects them from
lawsuits and personal liability. The human carnage regarding these cases is
immeasurable. As taxpayers we are also all paying the price. Health costs,
incarceration costs for abusers, crime, and
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additional victimization of children are all part of the equation and are all
part of the enormous costs of denial and minimization. We need to overhaul
a system that is not
functioning and appears to be completely in crisis. We owe no less to the
children and to the courageous parents who are trying to protect their children.
WHAT DO I DO IF MY CHILD HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
There are few things that cause greater heartbreak than learning that your
child has been sexually abused. The first and most important thing is to reassure
the child that it was not his/her fault. Many child molesters blame the children
while they are swearing them to secrecy. Tell your child that he/she did the
right thing by telling you. Stay as calm as possible. If you show that you
are upset it will upset the child even more.
Reporting the abuse can be a complicated issue. If the child accuses the other
parent of committing the abuse, and you are in a separation or divorce situation,
(and even if you are not), my advice is to take the child immediately to a professional:
hospital, pediatrician, psychologist, etc. These professionals are mandated
reporters and it is better that the Child Abuse Report is made by a professional.
This is critical as your case will likely end up in family court and you do
not want to be accused of making false allegations. Do not, under any circumstances,
interview your child yourself or use a video camera. You will almost for certain
be accused of coaching your child. Do not confront the accused. You will only
be met with denial and you will also give that person a head start in preparing
his/her defense. Once the report is made go shopping for a good lawyer, you
are going to need one.
Thousands of parents have called me over the years and often the first sentence
is “He will never see this child again”. Sadly, the way our family courts are
set up the likelihood that you will get a “No Contact” order or a severance
of parental rights is very
unlikely. Reunification is a Federal Mandate and I have rarely seen a biological
parent denied access to his/her child, even when there is abuse. In most cases
the best you can hope for is monitored visitation with a professional monitor.
A family member, especially if that person is related to the accused, is not
a safe monitor because they either do not believe the abuse happened or they
are in denial. Your attorney will have to fight hard for the professional monitor,
but it is the only way you will be able to assure the child’s safety.
Find a therapist who is an expert in child sexual abuse and take your child
to therapy immediately. Even if the child is very young therapy is mandatory.
Find a therapist for yourself and a good support group. The non-offending parents
just can’t go through this without outside support and they must stay strong
for the child and the court battle that is sure to ensue.
Incest cases where the other parent is the accused are by far the most complicated.
It would be a rare occurrence that you will ever see the inside of a criminal
court.
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According to The Justice Department less than 3% of these cases are prosecuted
nationwide. The two main reasons for lack of prosecution are most district
attorneys do not want to traumatize the child further by subjecting them to
a criminal trial. The other is that many families fail to cooperate. They
also do not want to put the child through a trial. Molesting one’s own child
is the perfect crime and there is little accountability for the molester.
If your child has been molested by another family member; i.e. uncle, aunt,
etc., or by a teacher, clergy, coach, etc., you will have a far greater chance
of protecting your child. All of the afore-mentioned advice applies, but you
also are in a position to call law-enforcement yourself. If the child victim
is female ask for a female officer to interview the child, especially if the
molester was a male. Depending on the age of your child the case may not go
to a criminal trial, but your child will certainly never have to be exposed
to that person again. Many States have Victim Witness monies that are available
for therapy once a police report has been filed. Check with your local district
attorneys office for that information. There are many wonderful books available
that will help you understand the legal system. Check the “Recommended Reading”
on this Website for more information.
FALSE ALLEGATIONS
Contrary to what the backlash has tried to make society believe, false allegations
are not common. The American Bar Association stated a few years ago that 2.9%
of the allegations of child sexual abuse raised during custody disputes were
false. Of that 2.9%, over 85% of the allegations were made in good faith.
In over 87% of the cases that I have seen over the past almost 10 years, the
child victims were under 6 years old. These little children described sexual
acts that they could not possibly have personal knowledge of unless someone
had done something to them. Along with their disclosure these children were
exhibiting signs and symptoms of abuse. The following are just a few of the
many signs and symptoms that were revealed to me in the cases that I worked
on:
Many of the children had been potty trained and were now soiling and wetting.
Excessive masturbation was another symptom. Night terrors, attempting to act
out sexually with other children, blood in the vagina or stool, vaginal infections,
refusing to have a bowel movement, terrified of the bathroom, especially the
bathtub, displaying rage and anger with little provocation, refusing to eat
certain foods such as bananas. The list is endless. The graphic descriptions
made by the children of erections, ejaculations, and other sexual acts left
nothing not to be believed. The children could not have been coached, coerced
or any other kind of mental manipulation to make these things up. Why are the
children not being believed or listened to?
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There are two answers to that question and they are ignorance and denial.
As stated earlier in this text, many professionals are not educated and the
family courts are attempting to put all of these cases into one category; the
non-offending parent is just trying to gain an advantage by alleging child sexual
abuse in a custody dispute.
DESPERATION
Over the years many non-offending parents have threatened to take their children
and flee. In fact, some have done just that. How do you stand by and watch,
over and over again, your child, the most precious person in your world, go
to visit his/her rapist for unsupervised visits? The screams of your child
echo long after the child has left. This heartbreaking question has been asked
by so many of the parents that I have worked with.
It is so difficult and frustrating for me to tell the parent that they just
must not disobey the court order. I tell the parent that fleeing is not an
option. Most of these parents will get caught and then there are no options.
Very rarely have I seen an investigation into why these parents fled in the
first place. The accused goes to court immediately upon hearing that the non-offending
parent has left. With no questions asked he/she is given temporary custody
of the now missing child. When the non-offending parent and child are discovered
the child is turned over to the parent who was accused of molesting him/her.
I know many good mothers who have not seen their child in years. The courts
are very unforgiving of the parent who disobeys a court order. It is sad that
they are not as unforgiving of the perpetrating parent who is stealing the childhood
and the potential of his/her own child.
The family courts in this country need complete reform. One attorney told
me a few years ago that we should just tear our present system
down and start over. That it is too far gone for reform to even
work. However, it is all we have to work with at the present
time. We must educate these professionals who are making decisions
affecting the lives of so many of our children. We must educate
society about the atrocities that are being committed against
the children in the very courts that are sworn to protect them.
I honestly believe that we can cut through the complacency and
the apathy if we can somehow bring these terrible injustices to
children before the American people. We at MOTHERS AGAINST SEXUAL
ABUSE, MASA, hope that this Website is a step in the right direction.
Our hope is that every person visiting this Website will feel
a personal responsibility for children and will join us in our
quest of trying to protect them.
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